


Introspection

by kestrel_daniel



Series: Gender is Hard 'verse [25]
Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Basically patton is a teacher and he doesn't want his damn kids to die, Discussions of Gun Violence, Gen, Gun Violence, School Shootings, mass shootings, nothing actually happens it's just a character piece, there's no actual violence
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-20
Updated: 2019-02-20
Packaged: 2019-10-31 22:13:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 666
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17857943
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kestrel_daniel/pseuds/kestrel_daniel
Summary: The list of names is too long, and every day, Patton is terrified that his school will be added to it.





	Introspection

**Author's Note:**

> so yeah this is basically just a short pseudo-vent piece because one year since parkland was last week and i have some emotions.

Patton had never been someone to have a lot of anxiety. Everyone he knew would confirm that. He’d get worried over things, and scared sometimes, but anxiety? The tension in your chest that kept you from breathing, the way your head seemed too far away from the ground and suddenly every noise was too loud and too sudden? That wasn’t something he’d ever had many issues with before.

That had changed in the last few years. He knew exactly what the cause was, exactly why his chest would squeeze and his hands would start shaking at seemingly random points during the day. At work, at home, out with friends, on vacation, it didn’t really matter. The anxiety would follow him wherever he went.

Was this just some of what Virgil felt? Was Patton developing an anxiety disorder, just like them, or was the anxiety just—horrifyingly—normal?

He didn’t have the answer to those questions, but he did have the answer about what was causing his anxiety.

Afterall, he couldn’t stand hearing the names Sandy Hook, Columbine, Parkland, _Thurston_ in conversation without that feeling rearing up.

Patton was an elementary school teacher, and every day, he was terrified that his students, his school, his coworkers, _himself_ would be the next names on that too-long list of names. They were just fifth graders. Some of them were still innocent to what the lockdown and active shooter drills really meant.

Others, like Eryne with her too-old eyes and a brother who had been killed in a small shooting before she moved, knew exactly what they meant.

So often and so, so much while he was watching his students, his kids, it struck Patton just how precious they were. When Payton would read her books out loud to Talaina, Marie, and Winter. When Sean turned in a worksheet that scored 17/20, doing so much better than his average a few months ago of 11. When they worked on art projects, absorbed in it and creating fun, unique things.

It just struck him, all the time, exactly how terrified he was that someone, someday, would come into his school so fucked in the head that they would turn a gun on these precious people and kill them. That someone could kill kids. That someone could kill kids, and still have people sympathizing with them. Oh, he just had untreated mental illnesses, they would say. Oh, he was just a troubled kid who didn’t have the support he needed. Oh, he was just bullied. Oh, he just needed friends. Oh, he just needed someone to reach out.

Those words—that someone could excuse those actions—that someone could pin it all on a mental illness without caring made his gut boil with rage. That someone could make it _everyone else’s_ fault.

And the next time there’s an active shooter drill, and his students all hide in the darkest corners of the room while he closes and locks the door, and some of them are whispering and giggling, and Eryne and Amalia are holding each other and crying because they know what this means, and even though he knows it’s all a _drill_ , no one’s there with a gun…

The thing is, he doesn’t know what he would do. No one can. How can you truly prepare for that pressure, that trauma?

The thing is, you can’t. No matter how many lockdowns and lock-outs and active shooter drills they do, there’s no way to know what will happen when it does. Will it happen while the students are all in the cafeteria for lunch, a dense crowd filled with potential casualties? Will it happen while they’re at recess, out in the open, nowhere to hide?

Will it even happen at all?

The thing is, he doesn’t know if it’s ever going to happen.

The thing is, he just doesn’t know what he would do if it did.

The thing is, he prepares to throw himself in front of the kids anyways.

**Author's Note:**

> [@logically-analytical](https://logically-analytical.tumblr.com/) is my Sanders Sides tumblr  
> So the gihv has existed for over a year now. i'm taking 18 credits this term and just closed a musical on sunday and i have an audition for a university this saturday so life's been kinda hellishly busy for me lately. don't expect anything soon, but the gihv is definitely not abandoned.  
> with love,  
> kestrel  
> (they/them)


End file.
